Day 20 - Piano Performance

Discover

I love to play the piano when it's songs that I want to play!

Explore

I think back to the times during college when I had to perform in front of an audience and how much alive I felt. It was an invigorating feeling to be in front of a crowd and hear them applaud for me! I think and wonder nowadays if being a professional pianist is something I want to do. Seems like a dream. Feels like it'll be hard to make a living like that, though.

I feel like I've learned so much from performing music since my college days. I'm learning to FEEL the music more and let it come from the heart. I think my maturing in life contributes to more of this "feeling the music". In college, I was still a child. Never endured much hardships. But now, I'm slowly getting surrounded by more hardships and I am embracing music all the more. I can definitely practice piano for hours and hours if I don't have anything else to do. I think it's part of my personality type -- I have to get the music right before I can move on.

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I could play for weddings and other events... maybe even accompany other church choirs...

Day 19 - Problems

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Topic: Problems. I never knew how to solve them. I grew up learning how to run away from them instead of facing them. This is a BIG problem in itself. It's catching up with me. This problem seems so unbearable that a lot of times all I want to do is curl up into a ball and die. What I end up doing is crying uncontrollably and thinking of all the possible ways I will die. Drowning? Shot by a gun? Car "accident"? Heart attack? They all sound good to me. A lot of times I wish it would just happen already. God help me.

Explore

Talking. Another BIG problem I have. But talking out my problems -- even though it feels so uncomfortable because I'm not used to it -- is the best thing; I'm beginning to learn. These problems involve a lot of failing. I seem to be getting pretty good at failing in this area. But I'm getting really tired of it.

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I AM stronger than my problems! I can conquer anything! I just have to look at things positively and stay positive. (Good luck!)

Day 18 (after over a year since my last post!)

Discover

It's been over a year since my last blog post, but I am still continuing my search for my passions. No progress yet. Mostly because I'm doing too much "thinking" and not enough "doing." I have been keeping a little "inspiration book" diary with positive things that I learn about life.

I just spent some time reading my old blog posts and I am once again inspired. Writing this blog is the reason to help me stay on track -- I can read my old posts and see my progress. What a great feeling! I read the post "Thinking for Myself" and am reminded that I've been slacking off with this skill. I've since quit being a self-employed piano instructor and have been unemployed for over a year. I quit to take the time to find out what I truly want to do with my life. I thought that maybe I want to become a lifestyle child photographer. I still don't know if that's what I want to do, but I am definitely giving it a try.

Explore (Think and Feel)

So on the topic of thinking for myself, I discovered that I really do need to do something creative on my own to think for myself. Just last week I had my first newborn photo shoot with a friend's baby. Last night, I looked over the photos I took and I am not totally excited about my results. I KNOW that I could've done A LOT better, but I just didn't try hard enough... I just didn't prepare enough... I just didn't practice enough. Then I look at Kelly Ryden's images and the results she shares with the public and I am in awe of her work! I look at her work and then I am overcome with this feeling that "I can do that!" I feel that I CAN do better next time! I can make my work look just as good as hers. The problem here is that I am being externally motivated instead of internally motivated to do better next time. Knowing that I could've done better (past tense) vs. feeling that I can do better (present/ future tense) vs. wanting to do better is a big difference. I had to look at another person's work to make myself feel better and want to do better. Looking at another person's work and getting inspiration from him/her is harmless, but I am not comfortable with the idea that I had to look at another person's work to make myself Want to do better. I want to be able to feel I can do better because I Want to do better! And I Want to do better because I have a big dream that I am the best (e.g.,) child photographer in the world.

Share (Thoughts/ Actions)

For this reason of not being able to think for myself well enough, I believe that I am unable to commit myself 100% to photography as a passion or career at this time. I need to get out there and explore. I need to make time for myself -- create an environment for myself where I can unscrew the bolt that's holding the door shut to my mind.

I've thought of one project I could do for myself: Project 365. Basically, Project 365 is taking photos everyday, but picking out my best and creative image from that session. Maybe somewhere along the way I will find a subject that I like to photograph! But in all honesty, am I really gung ho about this project? I don't feel the fire. Maybe "I don't feel the fire" is just another excuse to prevent me from going out there and giving it a try. Note to self: JUST DO IT!