Day 20 - Piano Performance

Discover

I love to play the piano when it's songs that I want to play!

Explore

I think back to the times during college when I had to perform in front of an audience and how much alive I felt. It was an invigorating feeling to be in front of a crowd and hear them applaud for me! I think and wonder nowadays if being a professional pianist is something I want to do. Seems like a dream. Feels like it'll be hard to make a living like that, though.

I feel like I've learned so much from performing music since my college days. I'm learning to FEEL the music more and let it come from the heart. I think my maturing in life contributes to more of this "feeling the music". In college, I was still a child. Never endured much hardships. But now, I'm slowly getting surrounded by more hardships and I am embracing music all the more. I can definitely practice piano for hours and hours if I don't have anything else to do. I think it's part of my personality type -- I have to get the music right before I can move on.

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I could play for weddings and other events... maybe even accompany other church choirs...

Day 19 - Problems

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Topic: Problems. I never knew how to solve them. I grew up learning how to run away from them instead of facing them. This is a BIG problem in itself. It's catching up with me. This problem seems so unbearable that a lot of times all I want to do is curl up into a ball and die. What I end up doing is crying uncontrollably and thinking of all the possible ways I will die. Drowning? Shot by a gun? Car "accident"? Heart attack? They all sound good to me. A lot of times I wish it would just happen already. God help me.

Explore

Talking. Another BIG problem I have. But talking out my problems -- even though it feels so uncomfortable because I'm not used to it -- is the best thing; I'm beginning to learn. These problems involve a lot of failing. I seem to be getting pretty good at failing in this area. But I'm getting really tired of it.

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I AM stronger than my problems! I can conquer anything! I just have to look at things positively and stay positive. (Good luck!)

Day 18 (after over a year since my last post!)

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It's been over a year since my last blog post, but I am still continuing my search for my passions. No progress yet. Mostly because I'm doing too much "thinking" and not enough "doing." I have been keeping a little "inspiration book" diary with positive things that I learn about life.

I just spent some time reading my old blog posts and I am once again inspired. Writing this blog is the reason to help me stay on track -- I can read my old posts and see my progress. What a great feeling! I read the post "Thinking for Myself" and am reminded that I've been slacking off with this skill. I've since quit being a self-employed piano instructor and have been unemployed for over a year. I quit to take the time to find out what I truly want to do with my life. I thought that maybe I want to become a lifestyle child photographer. I still don't know if that's what I want to do, but I am definitely giving it a try.

Explore (Think and Feel)

So on the topic of thinking for myself, I discovered that I really do need to do something creative on my own to think for myself. Just last week I had my first newborn photo shoot with a friend's baby. Last night, I looked over the photos I took and I am not totally excited about my results. I KNOW that I could've done A LOT better, but I just didn't try hard enough... I just didn't prepare enough... I just didn't practice enough. Then I look at Kelly Ryden's images and the results she shares with the public and I am in awe of her work! I look at her work and then I am overcome with this feeling that "I can do that!" I feel that I CAN do better next time! I can make my work look just as good as hers. The problem here is that I am being externally motivated instead of internally motivated to do better next time. Knowing that I could've done better (past tense) vs. feeling that I can do better (present/ future tense) vs. wanting to do better is a big difference. I had to look at another person's work to make myself feel better and want to do better. Looking at another person's work and getting inspiration from him/her is harmless, but I am not comfortable with the idea that I had to look at another person's work to make myself Want to do better. I want to be able to feel I can do better because I Want to do better! And I Want to do better because I have a big dream that I am the best (e.g.,) child photographer in the world.

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For this reason of not being able to think for myself well enough, I believe that I am unable to commit myself 100% to photography as a passion or career at this time. I need to get out there and explore. I need to make time for myself -- create an environment for myself where I can unscrew the bolt that's holding the door shut to my mind.

I've thought of one project I could do for myself: Project 365. Basically, Project 365 is taking photos everyday, but picking out my best and creative image from that session. Maybe somewhere along the way I will find a subject that I like to photograph! But in all honesty, am I really gung ho about this project? I don't feel the fire. Maybe "I don't feel the fire" is just another excuse to prevent me from going out there and giving it a try. Note to self: JUST DO IT!

Day 17 - NO EXCUSES

Discover

Relating to the last post on internal noise, it's been brought to my attention that I am making SO MANY lame excuses for myself to not do what I want to do!  I am reminded of how I love to sew and I make the excuse that no store with fine fabric exists in our little town, or that there are so many things on and around the sewing machine (aka laziness to move those items).  I am reminded that I do not need fine fabric to work with in order to practice.

Explore (Think and Feel)

Excuses.  What a dreadful born idea.  Excuses is the start of the "lazy bug" and the reason for my internal noise.  I think excuses are definitely what's been holding me back from doing things I have an interest in.  If I have a true interest in something, I would make an excuse not to do it or even just not do anything about it.  I think it's a learned behavior from my parents as I was growing up.  Whenever I saw something fun that I wanted to participate in, my parents would always say "NO" and the fun would get shot down.  I am getting tired of this and would really like to trudge forward!  How will I move forward?  I have to be strong and stay on top of myself -- STOP making these lame excuses.

Share (Thoughts)

So how will I stop making excuses?  Start thinking of the benefits I will reap from doing the actual activity or activities I want to do.  THEN I will get somewhere.

Having no time to do something is one of the hardest excuses to get through, especially if I Literally Have No Time!  What to do about that?  My husband tells me that with just 10 minutes at a time, I can squeeze in something I want to do on that day.  And he's right.  Persistence and practice is another key issue that fits into this equation.

I've been wanting to get some exercise for the longest time so today if the weather is nice, I will take a walk around the neighborhood for 30 mins.  If it rains, I will have my own aerobic session at home with the Stayball and my weights.  NO EXCUSES.

Day 16 - Internal Noise

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What makes every little flame of interest die?  I feel like I'm living in a prison.  I am confused and don't know what to think.  I want to find a passion but often every little flame that gets started just passes right through me and dies.  I don't know where to direct my energies anymore.  So what is causing this?  The one thing I can think of is the internal noise within myself -- that little voice that tells me "he's better than me" or "do I really like doing this?"  Those little things hold me back.

Explore (Think and Feel)

I find it very frustrating and annoying that I am not getting anywhere with this passion thing.  Sometimes I feel like I'm running around in circles just trying to understand where I fit in all this!  When that little negative voice in me says "he's better than me," I need to turn on my positive thinking, rearrange the words to "God's given him that talent, what is mine?"  Then jealousy slowly disappears.  I often forget that I should be in competition with myself instead of someone else if I want to improve on any one thing.

Share (Thoughts)

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy... like I've given my brain to someone else and all I have left is an empty skull.  Trying to build a better foundation on top of a crumbled demolished foundation is just too hard to handle.  But I cannot give up.  I have to be strong and push through it while trying to keep my sanity.  I wonder, will I ever know what it feels like to have a passion constantly running through me?

Day 15 - Outsourcing

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It's been about 2 months since I have been trying my hardest to get all of last year's business transactions into QuickBooks.  I have been stressing over trying to get it done by the end of March in time to do our taxes but it has not happened yet.  Today I decided that I will just give the accountant of my husband's partnership business a call.  I'm SO glad I did!

Explore (Think and feel)

She was so kind, patient, understanding, and motherly to me!  Despite her huge tax deadline and all the work that she has to do by then, she made me feel like everything is going to be okay.  She made me feel like I was the only client important to her at that moment.  She even offered to help train me in QuickBooks and told me that we will file an extension and try to get our return filed in May.  What a great feeling it was for me!  ... A huge burden lifted off my shoulders!

Share (Thoughts)

So where is my passion in this event?  I discovered my passion when I was able to let go of handling our income and expenses (as if I knew how!) and pass that job on to someone trained and more knowledgeable.  It is all about outsourcing.  That's why it exists!  We pass on work to others where their strengths make up for our weaknesses.  I thought I could do it all myself... I thought I was adequately trained.  I totally thought wrong!

Day 14 - "Just do it!"

Discover

It is slowly hitting me... I do not take much initiative with my life.  Thus, I have not gotten very far.

Explore (Think and feel)

This is the reason I think and feel I have no passion in life.  I "sit and wait" for something magical to happen.  When it does, I get excited about it for a day or two, and then the excitement fades.  It's like lighting a match and not getting to the campfire in time to make a big flame -- the flame on the little match gets blown out.

This is the reason why I feel complacent in life.  When I take a step outside of myself to look at how I have lived my life overall, I see that all I have ever done was whatever was expected of me.  I never took a step beyond the expected.  I did a Google search on "how to take initiative" and found this cool blog post by Decker Marketing that talks about taking "initiative outside your triangle."  It was very helpful to see a visual representation of an intangible idea.

Share (Thoughts)

So far my daily blogging assignments has turned into once-a-week assignments (mostly because I am so busy with so many things at once), but I am still committed to keeping up with my posts even if it's once in a while to at least see my progress.  Now that I have come to realize that my lack of initiative is a big part of my lack of passion, I am once again feeling empowered to take on anything that comes my way.  I feel empowered to start a ballroom dancing fellowship group at my church and volunteer my time to a non-profit organization like the March of Dimes.  My outlook on life is slowly evolving from being negative to a positive one and I am enjoying this journey.